I’m not waiting for marriage anymore

In my frustration I blamed God. I blamed him for my unhappiness and singleness. I blamed him for my schedule that seemed too busy to meet eligible guys my age but not busy enough that I felt the pains of singleness. I blamed him for my attitude and my decisions instead of blaming myself. And then it hit me.

I realized I put my life on hold, waiting for the perfect man to come whisk me away into his story and plan. I never wanted to be too committed that I couldn’t uproot myself when Mr. Right asked me to. I made every decision out of fear – fear that I wouldn’t be at the right place at the right time to meet my Mr. Right.

I tricked myself that I had to be a certain way to appeal to guys. I thought if I came across like I already knew how to be the perfect housewife I’d have a line of guys wanting to date and marry me. Clearly I was wrong because that was never the case. Instead, I chased after male attention and found myself exhausted from the constant pretending and paralyzed to make any decision regarding my future. I don’t recommend this.

When I came to that realization it felt like a large exhale, and I never knew I was holding my breath. I had trapped myself in my own thinking and beliefs that my life didn’t matter before I was married. Marriage was supposed to be the key that unlocks the rest of your life, right? The rest of us single people are just walking in a purgatory of sorts, waiting to be snatched up the opposite gender. Right?

In high school I dated a guy, and after two years we were sure we would get married. But something changed in me when I moved to college and I realized I wanted more out of a life, and a partner who wanted the same. So I broke up with him, hoping to find someone new soon. It was a brilliant plan until I graduated college… still single.

My next plan was to get hired by an international branch with the company I was interning with, meet a “foreign” man (although, if I moved it would make me the foreigner) and live happily ever after in another country. Except I didn’t get hired on, nor did I move to another country.

So I kept moving forward, with my eye on marriage instead of what God wanted me to do. Then, when I did what I believed God wanted me to do, I thought he would reward my obedience with a husband. I mean, how many stories have you heard of women choosing singleness, and then the next week they meet their husband? Ruth’s obedience was rewarded with Boaz. Just saying. But I digress…

I feel like I’ve entered into a new threshold and I’m not quite sure what to do. I’ve spent so much of my time waiting that I haven’t allowed myself to discover. So that’s exactly what I’m doing: taking the time to discover what I like, don’t like, passion about, and what I want out of life. If this is you too, I give you the permission to discover as well. I’m seeing the world in a new way, and while it’s a little overwhelming and scary it’s also exciting.