It started with a guy. I wish I could say it was something else, but I can’t. The truth is a guy talked to me and I interpreted our conversations as he liked me. So I risked a little, putting myself out there as some may say. With the risk came failure and our conversations slowly faded until we didn’t talk. My feelings were hurt and my heart was bruised.
Then I left the country – not for good, but for a month. I thought I had dealt with this mini heartbreak and all of its emotions, but the re-telling of the story seemed to keep spilling out into my conversations. I literally told three people in three countries about my not-quite-love misinterpretation. Clearly I wasn’t as “over it” as I thought I was.
I felt like I was 14 years old again – confused about boys and wanting to cry over the little things without knowing why. When I feel broken like this, I spend more time with my Heavenly Father. He comforts me by giving me space to verbally process, cry, accuse, question everything, and sit in silence. It’s in that silence that He speaks quietly. He reassures me I am not less of a person or a woman because this one guy didn’t pursue me. He reminds me He thinks I’m special and amazing and that it’s ok to cry when you miss home after 3 weeks of traveling.
In these times God also speaks profound truth to me. “Stop feasting on bread crumbs,” he said in a loving way. I asked what he meant by this. He reminded me of the list of crushes I have accumulated over the years and how excited I got each time one of them talked to me. Talking and pursuing are not as close to each other as I’d like to believe (another soapbox for another time).
Yes, the guy talked to me. So do my friends, my co-workers, and my bosses. In the context of a relationship, this is only crumbs. And probably not even from the table. I don’t make a meal out of crumbs in my normal life, so why am I trying to do that with my heart?
Crumbs means there’s more because they came from something. And if God is cooking it’s always a feast. So why am I trying to satisfy myself with these crumbs, instead of following the trail to the table? Fear.
If I’m honest with you, I’m afraid I won’t find the table holding the feast. I’m turning 29 next week and I’m very single. I’m not husband hunting, but it’s something I am acutely aware of when friends are getting married, having babies, and I don’t have a plus one to bring to events.
Stop feasting on bread crumbs.
Why am I focusing on what I don’t have, instead of being delighted in what I do have?
What about you? What in your life, are you settling with instead of seeking more? I encourage you to stop, reflect, and stop feasting on bread crumbs.